Snow Ivan
by S'moreo
Summary: This is the tale about three princes; Ivan, Toris, and Feliks, and Natasha, the princess. Ivan has fallen in love with Prince Toris, but Natasha will stop at nothing to be with her brother. Crack fic.


**Snow Ivan**.

Once upon a time, there was a prince with skin as white as snow, who lived with his crazy evil sister Natasha, who always hit on him.

Sometimes she'd go as far as to follow him everywhere, even watching him in the bathtub.

After a while, Ivan became fed up with his sister's creepiness, and went outside into the courtyard to hit birds with his pipe. As the blood flew, he spotted another prince with brown hair not too far away, he instantly fell in love for no adequately explored reason.

Soon enough, even though he was against what his sister did to him, he followed her actions only onto the brown haired prince, thus forming a stalking chain. The other prince did not like this. Nor did his sister.

To keep her dear brother all to herself, she decided she must have his heart, literally! She hired the great hunter Alfred to get it for her, and put it in a box.

Alfred the Hunter gladly accepted this hire, for he wanted to slay the prince by his own hands, having come from the enemy land secretly. While making his plans, he failed to notice someone new come into the story, yet **another** prince by the name of Feliks. Feliks liked the brown haired prince as well, but got much closer to him than Ivan had. This made Ivan _mad_.

Ivan angrily stomped around the flower fields, whacking daisies, and drinking his vodka, when all of a sudden Alfred swooped down from his horse and flung his sword out. "...Who are you? I don't have time to deal with some nobody." Ivan hissed.

Alfred held his sword at arms length, the very tip nearly touching Ivan's throat now. "I'm not a nobody! I'm the **Hero!** And you're at _my_ mercy now," Smirking, Alfred stepped an inch closer, the point now lightly stabbing against Ivan's throat. "I'm here to take your heart, Ivan." Ivan blinked, before he cracked a huge smile, and giggled. "That is so very funny."

"Well you won't be winning anyone's heart THIS way America..." Russia smirked, bringing out his pipe, and using it to lower Alfred's sword. "...And I'm afraid I'm at no one's mercy." With a frightening smile, he punched Alfred in the gut and ran off into the trees and forest, out of site.

America frowned. "What do you mea-" Choking out a gasp, Alfred held his gut with his free arm, and stumbled onto one knee. He glared in the direction Ivan had run off into, and considered taking his horse to find him. _A hero never gives up._ Ignoring the pain, Alfred hopped onto his horse, and snapped the reins, forcing the horse to trot off in the direction Ivan had fled.

Ivan knew at that time, he didn't have the chance to win, so he was better off fleeing for now. The forest was dark and cluttered with broken branches and other sorts of plants to hinder his escape. America would never catch him by horse, and he was too fast to be caught on foot now. Just as Ivan chuckled in victory, he fell, and found himself surrounded by random cute, furry woodland creatures.

Constantly pulling on the reins to calm or change the direction of his horse, Alfred cursed under his breath. He couldn't catch up to Ivan this way, it'd take hours! And by then he'd be long gone. . . Taking a wild chance, he hopped off his horse after stilling it. "I'll be back, Iggy." The horse neighed, before giving a light sneeze of annoyance. Hand near his sword, Alfred rushed deeper into the woods to find Ivan while Iggy stayed behind.

At first the tiny animals crowded around the unfamiliar face, then when they saw his true nature revealed, they swiftly hopped away as fast as they could. "...Now that the welcome committee is gone, I can continue escaping." He looked through a few trees to find a small, shabby cottage. "I think I'll just let myself in then~" He laughed as he pranced to the miniature door.

Arriving to the spot Ivan had last been, Alfred glanced around, his hand readied on his sword so should anything happen, he could unsheathe it and be done with the enemy in a few mere seconds. When he caught no sight of the tall man, he looked around and noticed the small cabin. Staring blankly for a few moments, he finally shook his head. "Nah," He laughed. "A tall fat-ass like him could never fit in there." So America turned, heading back to Iggy.

Ivan peaked into the house, barely fitting through the front door, height and width wise. He saw no one was home, and decided to make himself comfortable, he kicked off his shoes and flew upstairs to the bedroom. There were seven tiny beds, he pushed them all together, and jumped under the covers, almost breaking the beds. All that vodka made him sleepy, and he fell asleep almost instantly.

Ivan awoke to unfamiliar voices ringing throughout the small room, but he opted to stay silent and listen for now. "Waaahh! L-Ludwig, someone's sleeping in our beds!" A shrill voice cut through the air, and Ivan resisted the urge to giggle, for he wasn't sure whether the person were a girl or a guy. "I see, Feliciano. But how could someone like him enter our house?" This voice was much different from the first, Ivan noted. It was much calmer, but had a tinge of annoyance and disbelief. "The fucking bastard! Who is he to just go into our house and sleep in our beds!? I want the fucking ass out of here, damnit!" _Such foul words, _Ivan thought with a small laugh. Something resounded in the air, but Ivan couldn't tell what. He hadn't really heard anything, but. . . Oh well, it must've been his imagination. "W-where's G-Greece?" A quiet, shaky voice stuttered out the sentence, and someone sighed. "He's sleeping on the floor." Shifting a bit to hear better, yet another voice interrupted. "Ah! Look, he's awake, haha!" "Spain you bastard, shut the fuck up!" Ivan cracked open his eyes.

Ivan leaned forward, blinked slowly, staring at the seven small nations standing before him, chattering away. "...And who might you be?" The grumpy nation cut him off quickly. "What do 'ya mean who are we?! This is our house you $%, we should be asking you who YOU are!!" He flailed around in a fit of rage. The nation who seemed to look a lot like the irritated one, tried to calm him down. "I...am prince Ivan." He calmly added with a smile which sent chills down the spines of everyone in a 50 meter radius. "I've decided to live here for a while, I hope you don't mind..."

Everyone quieted down at that statement, even the one who spouted out curses at rapid fire speed. The blonde haired, blue eyed one was the first to recovery. "Well," he coughed. "I can't very well throw out a visitor. . . But we might have a few problems. . ." He eyed Ivan warily. "Problems?" Ivan repeated, the smile still frozen on his face. The grumpy one twitched, and despite himself shuffled back. "You dumb-ass, he means you're too fucking big. Sleep on the floor if you want to stay here, damnit." The one next to him wagged his finger at the other. "Lovino, you shouldn't say such rude things to a guest!" The so called 'Lovino' simply 'harrumphed'., smacking the hand away. "I don't give two shits!" "He's right, actually," The first speaker glanced at Ivan apologetically. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to sleep on the floor."

"Oh? Sleep on the floor?" Ivan laughed a horrifying laugh that echoed through the house. "I don't think I will be doing anything of the sort, as a prince, I WILL have the beds...Oh, but you're all welcome to join me in sleeping in them~" The last statement left everyone silent, as they just stared at the large man. Then suddenly a nervous laugh rang out. "I-I think I'll just sleep in...the cupboard...I-If you'll excuse me!" The small blonde stuttered as he inched toward the door. "W-wait for meee!" The silly pasta loving boy wailed. "H-hey! Feliciano!!" Yelled the German as he tripped behind. The others seemed to follow piling through the doorway.

Ivan smiled wider, albeit a bit disappointed that no one would want to join him. Oh, well. They'd get to that later. He blinked, noticing something sticking out from near his bed, and he leaned over to peer at it. _Was this the person that stuttering person mentioned?_ As if on cue, brown eyes opened, and the man waved his hand around lazily. "Don't mind me." He murmured, and turned over to get some more sleep. Ivan watched with amazed fascination as a herd of cats magically appeared, piling onto the man until you could no longer know a man was underneath all those hairballs. Smile twitching a bit, Ivan shifted over his bed. Meanwhile, everyone else stared at the cupboard, wondering how they were going to fit in there all at once. "W-wahhh...It looks scary, Ludwiggg!" Feliciano clung to Ludwig. Ludwig sighed, and peeled the other off of him, heaving him up. "Feliciano, it's only a cupboard, now get... _in_ ..." Trying to fit Feliciano in, said man squealed, half of his body stuffed in while the other half wiggled. "L-L-Ludwiggg! I can't move, h-help! Ahh!"

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The door had been shut on poor Raivis, and he was shivering and crying from being left alone with the giant man and the mountain of cats. "Ah~ What do we have here?" Ivan walked over to the sobbing boy and picked him up, which almost sucked the life out of him completely. "Oh he stopped shaking!~" Meanwhile, each nation decided to share a cupboard, two by two, and just barely fit.

"Hey, aren't we missing a few people?" Ludwig furrowed his eyebrows. "Ve.~ I think Sleepy is still in the room with Ivan." Ludwig nodded, the man wasn't much trouble so there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. . . "Oh, Raivis isn't here, either!" Antonio laughed, and Lovino elbowed him in the gut. Hard. Meanwhile, Ludwig stiffened in worry. "I think I should go check on them. . . " "Ve! Ludwiggg, what if Ivan hurts you?" Ludwig shook his head. "He's in our hospitality and house, I doubt he'd do that." Though he wasn't so sure about that. . . Squeezing himself out of the cupboard with a grunt, he went upstairs to the room. Meanwhile, everyone spread out with what little extra space they got, but Feliciano frowned. "I can't move back even though there's space!" He tried to nudge, squish, and squirm his way to the back of the cupboard, but to no avail. Giving up, he pouted and stayed where he was. "Why won't anyone notice me?" Matthew thought with a sigh.

Ludwig walked in to Ivan holding onto Raivis' limp body. "Oh? Someone else who would like to join me? Though you'll all become one with me anyway..." Ivan turned toward the startled Ludwig, who now backed away slightly. "Ah, er, it's nothing...I'll be going now..." He quickly shut the door again. "Sorry Raivis..." And he crawled back into his cupboard for the night.

In the morning when Ivan awoke once more, he slowly sat up, making sure not to wake the sleeping boy next to him. Once his feet touched the floor, though, he noticed it felt. . . different. Looking down, he noticed that over the period of a few hours, cats had littered the whole entire floor. Smiling, Ivan stepped his way through them, stepping on a few tails accidentally and causing a few hisses, but none dared bite him. Once he reached the kitchen, he heard more than saw Lovino yelling at Ludwig, while Feliciano was in-between them. "You fucking potato head! You better have not tried anything on my wimpy brother! You know he can't do anything against you, especially since he _trusts_ you so much!" Lovino sneered, and he had an armful of tomatoes in his hands but didn't look as if he'd throw them. "I didn't do anything to your brother." Ludwig sighed, and Feliciano nodded. "Ludwig was really nice! He gave me space and when I got cold he let me hug him!" Lovino sputtered, turning the color of his beloved tomatoes while Ludwig face palmed. Ivan beamed. "Hello, everyone." At this, everyone's heads turned, and they looked around a bit nervously, avoid that smile and gaze. "Ah, good morning." They murmured, hoping they wouldn't end in the same fate as Raivis.

Feliciano spoke up. "I-I made pasta for breakfast, help yourself!" Lovino kicked his brother violently. "Don't feed him dammit!!" Ivan walked over to the pot of pasta, disappointed he had no vodka to go with it. Matthew was the only one not eating pasta, he refused to have dinner for breakfast, and sat in the corner of the long table, enjoying his pancakes with maple syrup. Raivis had somehow been sleeping, or unconscious, in Ivan's large coat, and popped out suddenly, heaving and sobbing. "Oh, there you are Raivis~ Did you sleep well?" And with that comment, the young boy once again fainted, from either fright or lack of oxygen. Or both.

Everyone stared in shock as the young boy's head popped out from under the coat, even Antonio. _Well, at least now we know he can be serious for on-_ As if he jinxed it, Spain laughed loudly. "I guess he was still sleepy!" Everyone groaned and placed their faces into their hands, while Lovino smashed his foot into Spain's knee. "Dios..mio..." Spain groaned and held his knee. Ludwig sighed, taking a place at the table to eat some pasta reluctantly. He'd rather be having something more . . . proper. But then Feliciano would burst into tears, and Lovino would yell at him, and things would get more chaotic, and- _Mein gott, ich habe kopfshmerzen._ He thought silently, rubbing his temple. Ivan slowly walked to the table, taking a seat and staring down at the pasta. He'd really prefer it if they had vodka. . . Giving an eerie smile, he poked at his pasta before taking a bite as everyone sat down; but avoided the chairs next to the Russian. Coming down the stairs, Hercules sat down to the Russian sleepily, a cat on his head and in his arms. "Do we still have more cat food?" He asked, looking around the table.

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Everyone had really preferred if Ivan was not in their house at all, and all secretly plotted to themselves, ways to get rid of him. Meanwhile, princess Natasha was NOT happy that Alfred returned to her, without her beloved brother's heart. "...I guess I'll have to do it myself then...Wait for me, dear brother." She hissed. "Oh dear sister Ukraine, where is Ivan?" She sang as she faced her mirror. The mirror sobbed as it reluctantly showed the shabby cottage. "I'm sorry Ivan..." The mirror sniffed. Natasha giggled surprisingly quite manly, as she stared starry-eyed at her brother's figure on the wall. "I'm coming Ivan, but how to get passed those tiny eye-sores..."

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"I-I'm scared. What if he tries to make us become one with him?" Feliciano hugged Ludwig's arm tight. Ludwig however was deep in thought, what **would** they do? Perhaps they could take them on all together. . . Though the man was quite big. He looked over at everyone, the two Italians - _weak_ Ludwig grimaced -, The Spaniard - _He wouldn't see it as sexual harassment even __**afterwards**_-, A Greek - _He might be able to help. . . _-, Raivis was out of the question. There was someone else, though. . . Noticing Matthew for the first time, Germany blinked. Maybe the Canadian could help, but he wasn't quite sure. So really, it would be three, possibly two or maybe even one, against that giant. Things didn't look well.

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Outside of the cabin, and the forest, two people were walking to Ivan's castle. "Like, hold _on_, Liet! I know you want to see Belarus and all, but like, really! you need to just chill for a moment!" Feliks pouted, his feet aching from trying to catch up to his friend in heels. He didn't exactly like the thought of his crush friend hooking up with that _monster's_ sister either.

"B-but Feliks!" Toris protested. "That scary Russian, Ivan, has been gone for a while, now is my chance to see her without him stalking me!" Feliks continued pouting and grabbing at Toris' hand to get him to slow down a little. Ivan heard the faint complaints from outside, and peered out to find the lovely prince Toris he had fallen for, and some other guy latching onto him. He grinned happily and opened the door, waving enthusiastically. "Prince Toriiiiis!~" When Toris noticed Ivan, he squeaked, grabbed Feliks, and sped walked in the opposite direction. Ivan followed, skipping after them, which forced Toris to run faster.

Feliks glared at the Russian, not liking that he had come back. He'd finally gotten some time with Toris without him watching over them both, and now he comes back?! Oh, no he _didn't_. Giving a small 'hmph', Feliks pulled on Toris' arm, stopping him. "Like, hold on! Jeez, at least let me take these heels off! They're totally killing my feet!" Pulling off the heels, Feliks ignored the feel of the dirt under his feet, and made a note to take a nice long bath when he got back to his own mansion/castle. Ivan frowned upon seeing them speed up, and kept pace with them. "Prince Toris, wait! I want to talk to you!" Another smile, but different from the first, coming on his face, Ivan was catching up to them quickly, his eyes not quite sane.

"F-Feliks, I don't know WHY you were so stubborn on wearing those heels...and now we have to run!" Toris looked back to see Ivan quickly catching up without any problem. He squeaked again, and tried to drag Feliks along faster. Ivan finally caught up with them, pushing Feliks aside, and putting his hand on Toris' shoulder. His creepy aura was quite strong as Toris was frozen stiff in fear.

"Gyah! Hey, that was like, really rude you know! Hey, listen to me!" Feliks fumed, and 'harumphed' as the Russian ignored him. "Toris," he cooed, the smile widening. Toris whimpered lightly. "I've missed you." Bringing the Lithuanian in a tight embrace, Toris' eyes roved over to Feliks' face expecting to see his friend more furious than ever. Instead, what he saw was. . . _He's laughing!?_ Feliks held back giggles, albeit a few escaped his lips. Feliks pointed to Toris, before pointing to his own face. 'You're face is like, so funny right now' he mouthed. Toris was too scared to glare at his 'friend'. "A-ah, I-Ivan, could you...let me go?" Toris felt strands of Ivan's hair brush his ear and neck. "No, my dear Toris."

Just at that moment, an old woman appeared before them, she seemed quite angry at the site of the two hugging so closely. She violently shoved a basket of perogies in-between them. "...Please take some, they are good, I made them...myself." She said creepily, giving a brief death glare to the Lithuanian, who gulped and took one. Ivan decided to take one too, since Toris was too. The woman cackled as she watched them bite into the perogies. Ivan instantly fell crashing onto the ground, but Toris was left perfectly fine, and unharmed. "Hm. It seems I gave dear brother the wrong one...Oh well, this works too..." She leaned over his pale body. "...Now with true love's kiss, you'll be mine Ivan~" Toris then realized, as the woman took off her hood, it was Natasha. He couldn't bear to see her kiss another man, and just as her lips were to touch Ivan's, Toris nudged her over and kissed Ivan instead.

Natasha and Feliks' eyes widened as Toris shoved her away, and kissed the Russian instead. "Like, what the hell Liet!?" Feliks yelled, confused, shocked, and angered. Sometimes Liet never made sense. He sighed. Boys, they were _so_ weird. Natasha on the other hand, had the look of pure outrage on her face, but she smiled. "Only true love can awaken him, even if he **did** kiss brother, it'll never work." Pushing Toris away from her brother, she gave him a chilling smile. "Now that you're done, I can have my turn now," Just as she was about to turn back to her brother, she heard a groan and the shuffling of a figure moving. Two pairs of eyes snapped to the man, and Ivan opened his eyes. "Toris?" Toris was frozen in shock, as was Natasha. She hadn't planned it to go this way. If, if her brother woke up, then that means. . . "No, it, it must be a mistake." She laughed, shaking her head. "I must have made a mistake." Feliks eyebrows had shot up. "Well," he said. "This is like, really weird."

Toris was quite confused himself, he wasn't planning it to go this way, he just wanted to stop Natasha from kissing Ivan...But he liked Natasha, not Ivan! And Now they are true loves?! He fell over on his butt, not sure how to react. "Y-you saved me Toris!" Ivan locked his arms around Toris tightly, but Toris was still off in la-la land. Feliks and Natasha quietly sobbed to themselves.

"T-this totally s-sucks." Feliks hiccupped, grabbing Natasha's arm. Natasha nodded silently as tears rolled down her cheeks. Sniffing, Feliks stopped sobbing after a bit. "B...Boys suck." He wailed, and Natasha nodded in agreement as the two embraced in a pity filled hug. Then Natasha grinned. "Want to plan?" Feliks blinked, before smiling himself. "You can _so_ count me in." So the two skipped off arm in arm, both planning to kill either Ivan or Toris. Meanwhile, Ivan had scooped Toris up in his arms, nuzzling him. "Oh Toris. . .You know what this means, right?" Toris snapped out of the slight daze and shock. "T-that we're..." Toris gulped. "True…loves?" He squeaked. Ivan giggled, smiling but shaking his head. "No, well, yes. But," His eyes flickered over Toris, and Toris found himself frozen. "This means you can become one with me!" Ivan skipped off into the castle with a shaking Toris.

Toris wailed, trying to escape the Russian's grip, but obviously failed. Just then, Alfred came riding in on his Iggy horse. "Aha! I've finally found you Ivan! Today will be your las-" Ivan glared at Alfred. "Leave me alone Alfred, I don't have time to deal with you, I'm on my honeymoon." Toris shot up, blushing like mad. "H-HONEYMOON?!" And with that, Ivan took Alfred's Iggy horse, who ate a magic perogie as well and turned into a unicorn, and rode off with Toris into the sunset. AND THE WIND BLEW THROUGH EVERYONE'S HAIR. The end.

Meanwhile, America frowned. He was going to have some fun with Iggy tonight, too!


End file.
